


The End to a New Beginning

by RoninReverie



Series: Old Kanera Fanfiction [15]
Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: F/M, Flashbacks, Force Psychosis, Lothal, Memory Alteration, Minor Violence, Order 66, The Maw, kanan comics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-14
Updated: 2016-10-14
Packaged: 2019-04-26 05:55:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14395722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoninReverie/pseuds/RoninReverie
Summary: As the Ghost crew make their way to Lothal, Boba Fett reappears along with an Imperial blockade. To escape safely to their destination, Hera flies through the mysterious space anomaly known as "The Maw". They make it out safe, but shortly after, Kanan begins to act strangely, and his actions could pose a threat to everyone else on board the Ghost when he begins reliving memories from his past.





	The End to a New Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on Tumblr: [Link!](http://roninreverie.tumblr.com/post/151809463429/the-end-to-a-new-beginning)
> 
>  **IMPORTANT!** This series was written before the second half of season 2 aired on television, so all content is based on my headcanons after season 1 and the "A New Dawn" novel.

Sabine studied the starmap to no avail, growing more and more agitated at the Ghost crew’s very limited selection of flight routes available with the trouble they were currently in. **  
**

To top the list, there was a notorious bounty hunter chasing them around the Outer Rim and he was not happy for a multitude of reasons. For starters, he held a personal grudge against Kanan… and there was probably a _huge_  bounty on the  _Ghost_ for irritating Jabba the Hutt on Tatooine. Sabine had gotten into plenty of her own trouble with Imperials and other bounty hunters, and her own crimes added to the list of offenses shared between Kanan, Hera, Zeb, and Chopper offered them a most-wanted position no matter where they went.

Lothal was supposed to be different. Sure, the planet had the HoloNet and local broadcasts, but things there were supposed to be pretty sheltered off to their own slow flow of business and problems.

If the crew could just make it there, they would be able to lay low.

That being said, a hot tip from a certain bounty hunter was making flying there undetected a major  _pain in the choobies_.  _But, hey…_ at least no one knew where the  _Ghost_ was heading. To that, they had the element of surprise, now all they needed was a clear path to get them there.

“So, Hera… what’s the plan for sneaking past the Kastolar Sector and Hutt Space?”

Sabine spoke in a huff, her voice stressed  _but_  willing to hear any suggestions the rest of the crew presented. She hadn’t been flying with them for very long, but Sabine already thought of the  _Ghost_ crew as a secure string of allies— _to some extent,_ a family… _though_  she would never admit that to their faces.

Kanan nodded in agreement with the young Mandalorian’s question.

“I was wondering about that myself,” he said, “Those two areas aren’t exactly going to be  _smooth_  flying.”  

“Not since that Fett fella tipped off the Imperials!” Zeb huffed. “You ask me, he’s acting like a bit of a child.”

 _“Kanan’s the one who threw a rock at him…”_  Hera muttered with a roll of her eyes.

“It was a legitimate strategy!” He squeaked defensively. “Plus that was like a year ago! He needs to learn to let these things go!”

“The grudge of a Mandalorian is not something to take lightly, Kanan…” Sabine smirked. “You’re going to be a side project for him for a long, long time…”

 _“Greeeat…”_  He sang flatly, a fake smile turning promptly into a pout as he crossed his arms with a huff.

 _It wasn’t the first stalker he’d had—come to think of it, he might not be the most dangerous either?_  Kanan smirked at the memories, but kept them to himself.

“Who woulda thought the Imps and Hutts were on such good terms?” Zeb pondered allowed with a scratch at his beard.

“They’re not,” Hera stated, “but their taxes are pretty generous to the Imperial Military. The Empire control over Hutt Space is practically nonexistent, but they accept bribes from the world leaders and would also rather not get on a certain crime lord’s bad side.”

The Lasat chuckled… “Too late for us now,  _eh?”_

_WER! BUH! BAH! BUH! WROO!_

Chopper beeped and complained matter of factly as to the fact that they managed to irritate the one giant slug in the entire galaxy that could make flying through Hutt territory difficult for them.

 _Organics and their meddlesome problems…_  he thought.

Sabine studied the map on the dashboard again before pointing a path.  

“I think if we go around the two sectors from behind, we could probably get away with sneaking past these four planets on the edge of Wild Space?”

“Would they expect that?” Kanan pondered.

“It’s a bit dangerous out there, isn’t it?” Zeb argued.

“Not even Boba Fett would venture into uncharted space just for a bounty…” Sabine shrugged. “It might be our best option?”

“I don’t think Fett knows where we’re going?” Hera spoke her thoughts aloud as she studied the map with a frown. She pointed a different path with her finger. “But since we shook him off our trail near Gamorr, I’d wager that someone will be waiting for us as soon as we hit the Kessel Sector…no matter  _which_  path we choose…”

“Doesn’t matter if it’s Fett or Imperials,” Sabine grumbled. “We need a way to avoid both of these areas until they get bored and forget about us.”

Chopper buzzed in a pessimistic fashion and suggested they turn back around and forget about Lothal all together.

“No Chop, we can’t just do that…” Hera sighed. “The opportunities on Lothal are too great to pass up. We’re going no matter who tries to stop us…end of discussion!”

“Well then, what should we do?” Zeb growled. “If we can’t go through it and we can’t go around them, how are we supposed to get to Lothal?”

“Can we just fight our way out?” Sabine offered.

“Only if we have to, but I’d like to avoid anymore conflict, if we can?”

Zeb rubbed at his ear and smirked, “We’re not very good at doin’ that…”

“Could we maybe hitch a ride on a transport ship?” The Mandalorian suggested again.

“No, no,” Hera waved. “We can’t involve someone else, not with the target on our backs. Plus, I doubt the fee for smuggling a ship will be anything near what we can afford.”

“So we’re on our own…”

“With nowhere to go…”

“As usual.”

“Come on Zeb, Sabine,” Hera sighed. “I’m looking for some positives right now. What about you, Kanan…any thoughts?”

He sunk back into his seat and rubbed at his temples.

 _There had to be a solution somewhere, they just weren’t seeing it. Where was the loophole?_ Kanan figured that they would just shoot down anyone that got in their way, but no—Hera was right as usual—they needed to avoid any further eyes on them until they reached Lothal. If too many people knew they were planning on camping out on that planet for the foreseeable future, then they might be in some easily avoidable trouble.

“We’re approaching the fork!” Hera announced. “If we’re betting on a plan, I need to hear it now.”

_Come on Kanan—you’re supposed to be the man with a plan, so hurry up and think of something!_

_Suddenly, a jolt!_

The feeling brushed alongside his thoughts and Kanan fell forward, pointing to the map as though he knew its every detail by heart. He wasn’t too sure what it meant, but he allowed the feeling to guide him, and his finger landed against the holo-map with a slight  _whir_.

“What about here?” He said, his voice more unsure than confident.

 _“The Maw?!”_  Hera read, though by the tone in her voice she couldn’t believe that it was the best they could come up with. With the same tone, she shot him a raised brow and snapped, “Kanan, have you  _completely_ lost your mind?!”

He glared back at her.  _What were you supposed to say to that kind of question anyway?_

“What’s The Maw?” Zeb asked.

“It’s a cluster of black holes between the Kessel Sector and Hutt Space,” Sabine informed. “A few smugglers have used it as a shortcut during the Kessel Run in the past—”

“But most of them don’t make it out alive!” Hera finished with a stern inflection in her voice. “The Maw is ridiculously dangerous! Only a complete idiot would fly a ship into that!”

_BUH! BUH! WER! WAH!_

“That’s true,” Sabine snapped. “There’s no way the Empire or the bounty hunter would expect us to go that way…”

“And when we make it to the other side, we could get to Lothal completely undetected?” Kanan pointed.

“They’d probably forget about us in a couple of cycles—?” Sabine hummed with a smirk. “Think we got lost in there maybe?”

“If we even make it through in one piece!” Hera stated strongly. “ _If_ being the keyword here…”

“You know, I don’t think I like the sound of this…” Zeb shook his head.  _He knew where this was going…_

“Well Chopper, Sabine, and I say it’s worth the shot.”

“Oh, so we’re putting it up to a vote then?” Hera’s face twisted skeptically, before looking to the varying facial expressions of her crew and she sighed into the controls.

Kanan reached for her hand and stared into her eyes with a stern seriousness of unwavering confidence. “If anyone can get us through the Maw, Hera, then it’s you.”

She blinked and replaced Kanan’s view with the stars in front of the ship.

“Buttering me up isn’t going to help our odds,” she replied with a snort as Hera flipped a few switches and veered their course to the sliver of free space between the two sectors.

“Well it makes me feel better when I say it out loud…” He shrugged smugly.

“Okay—alright—fine! I cannot believe that I’m doing this—hold on tight everybody, let’s see what this old ship can do.”

Zeb fastened the feeble harness around him and tightened his grasp on the seat belt. “I really don’t like the sound of this…”

“Could you at least try to be optimistic?”

Chopper buzzed.

Sabine rolled her eyes. “Yeah, you could stand to do it too.”

“There it is!”

The Ghost crew peered out the view-port at the dark, swirling colors of the hidden cluster of stars. Swirls of ionizing gases were being pulled towards the defined black holes, forming a gentle smoke trail that disappeared into the void.

“Well, here goes nothing? We’ll need to gain some speed,” Hera grunted as she fought with the controls to go faster.

The intensity of The Maw was like nothing she’d ever flown through. The  _Ghost’s_  controls were heavier than normal, nearly  _stuck,_  and it took all of her strength just to steer the ship  _let alone dodge the black holes or space debris that attempted to shred the crew to pieces._

“Everybody, hold on!”

The ship took off in a violent jolt of speed. By now, the rest of the crew could feel the pressure given off by the intense gravitational pull that was emanating from the various black holes within the cluster.

The _Ghost_ rocketed, the turbulence and speed enough to make everything else go quiet. There were intense rumbles as pieces of the ship snapped off outside. This unsettled everybody in the cockpit, and soon alarms started to sound off in an  _unwelcomed_ attempt to alert everyone to the conditions the ship was facing from the terrain.

“Uh…” Zeb swallowed. “Should we be doing something!?”

“Yeah!” Hera shouted. “Chopper!”

The droid took the order without another word and plugged into the controls to silence the alarms.

“Happy?” She grunted, the effort laced beneath her words as she steered rapidly to avoid crashing into the oncoming rocks or fragments of broken ships.

Silently, the worried Lasat shook his head and clenched his eyes closed, keeping them that way until they were either greeted by death or peace— _whichever came first._

Meanwhile, Kanan had a hold on the dashboard, and Sabine to the side wall as one final loop from the Ghost shot them around one massive black pit that thundered silently as the pressure beckoned the  _Ghost_ to venture just a little closer to it’s orbit.

Hera was able to maneuver the ship’s position around the final few obstacles and just like that, they met eyes with the crisp, clear scenery of open space.

All at once, the gravity returned to normal and the metal of the ship loosened its tense pressure on itself, relieved to be free as everything creaked to a graceful cruise.

 _They were lucky._  The crew had successfully flown past the edge of The Maw, and Hera hated to imaging the poor fools who might have once tried to fly through the center of it. Even  _she_  didn’t think she would be able to do that and make it out in one piece.

With breaths of relief, everyone released their grasp on whatever they were holding for security, and Hera, sweating and smiling with relief, let go of the controls to rub at her sore and shaking hands.

“See?” Kanan smiled. “I told you, you could make it!”

She took in a hard breath, but shot him a look before surrendering a smirk over to him.

“I think I’m going to need to lie down for a bit?” Zeb interrupted with a nauseated burp. His sensitive ears could only make out rings and blurry sounds after all that pressure drained into his head. Not to mention it had given him a throbbing headache and the stomach to match.

Sabine winced and leaned away from him as his body made unsettling sickly noises.

“Well…” Hera hummed, and allowed herself to stretch backwards… “That should be the last of our adventures until we reach Lothal. It’s late, so why don’t you three get some rest, and I’ll signal you when we reach the Lothal Sector.”

“Can do!” Sabine stood and pulled the heavy Lasat out of his chair with a strain of effort. “Come on buddy…walk it off…” She patted his back, though when he burped inward Sabine immediately backed off and kept her distance.

The two made their way back into their cabins as the whooshing of their doors closing was the last of the noises before the silence took over.

“Good call back there,” Hera blurted. “Got an explanation?”

“For what?”

She shot him the  _‘don’t play dumb with me’_  look.

“For your sudden advanced knowledge of our star charts and the safe predictions that we’d survive a shortcut through that deathtrap?”

“Not really…” Kanan said as he leaned back and shut his eyes. He was telling the truth. “It was just a feeling?”

Hera frowned, but after a moment of consideration she decided not to press him further. She sacrificed a smile and sighed once, long and steady.

“Well, I’m just glad it was a good feeling,  _luv.”_

“I knew you could fly us through The Maw.” Kanan rose up and looked over to her. “You can fly through anything.”

She hid a smirk and a blush, but cleared her throat and replied with a motion flicking behind them…

“Well, you should get back there and rest too. Vizago’s job is going to need everyone at full strength,  _especially_  you.”

He stood.

_“Is that an order?” He flirted._

She smugly avoid him, shaking her head.

“It is.”

He stretched and hummed, “Fine…Fine… What is it that Vizago does exactly? I’m going to end up running all over Lothal as his errand boy, aren’t I?”

“From what I’ve heard, Vizago is an arm’s dealer…” Hera said, trying not to give away too much information about the sources she’d acquired this intel from. “So—if I had to guess—yes?”

 _With any luck, Kanan would assume Hera’s knowledge came from Zaluna because it was as though he had lost interest in learning more about Fulcrum after their mission to Rion a few years back._ That was good though. The less Kanan knew about Fulcrum and their bigger mission, the better it was on all of them.  

“An arms dealer on Lothal…” He almost yawned. “Figures that the Empire would take a backwater planet like that to manufacture weapons.”

“Let’s hope that’s all it is…” she sighed, returning her attention to the viewport. “Now go get some sleep, I’ll wake you when we get closer to the Lothal Sector.”

“Whatever you say, Captain.” He saluted and turned to head to his bunk.

As soon as Kanan was gone, Chopper muttered on and on about  _keeping secrets_ until Hera coaxed his volume down.

“It’s better that he doesn’t know…” She frowned, tired of having this conversation again and again with the pesky astromech.

_WUH. BUH. BER. RUH._

“I could always erase your memory circuits if you’re that worried?” She got a gleam and pointed to the back. “Now, go make yourself useful and check the ship’s condition. I want to know what all we lost back there in that cluster.”

With a long huff, Chopper back talked but turned to check on the ship as ordered.

If Commander Sato and Fulcrum weren’t so adamant about keeping secrets, Hera would have loved to tell the entire crew about their real mission. It just wasn’t a luxury that they could afford. Any one of the crew could be captured…they  _all_  could wind up captured…so the least that everyone knew, the better.

Kanan was assumed the leader, and he accepted this role knowing full well that Hera had secrets that she could never tell him. He knew that much, and she knew more…That was the deal. They had come to terms with this years ago, so why was Hera starting to feel guilty about it all of the sudden?  _Why was Chopper?_

Lothal was heavily influenced within the grasp of the Empire—more so than the average world, but one “arms mission” or “food raid” at a time would gather intel in the quietest way possible in order for the rebels to learn more about the Empire’s influence on this small planet.

Her higher-ups were already pretty upset that they had gathered so much attention recruiting Zeb and Sabine…this scouting mission might have been more for punishment than it was necessity,  _but, it was still a good cause with good pay, and that was enough to sustain Hera’s doubts._

From what Fulcrum mentioned, the Imperials had more weapons, shipyards, and their corrupt hooks in Lothal’s government for their liking. it was only natural for them to be here. Lothal was the least conspicuous location for the Rebellion to stir up a few delays for the Empire. Hera’s new splinter group posed as the perfect candidates for the job.

_Still, she would give anything to let them know the truth…_

She would have loved to tell them—if only the crew knew that they were so much more than just a small spark of rebellion. If they could know that they weren’t alone—that they were a part of a huge fire—a small part in a grand and growing army—it might change things a little. Complicate them, probably…but it would be a huge leap in the ways they see their lives right now.

“It’s better this way…” she repeated again, her reluctant acceptance growing as she piloted the ship through the stars.

 _For now…_  She thought.  _This was how it just had to be._

* * *

 

Kanan had felt a strange sensation within him ever since they had agreed to take this long mission on Lothal. The feeling had grown into something _more_  as soon as they were past The Maw, but he couldn’t quite place it. He was nauseous and anxious, but calm and collected all at once. These spinning emotions were enough to make his head throb.

Zaluna and Hera—Vizago and this planet—there seemed to be an entire network of forces working around him, secrets that he wasn’t allowed to know, missions that he was expected to do. The uncertainty of it all was something he had accepted coming in to all this.

He trusted Hera and whoever else she placed her trust in, blindly or otherwise. If he was with her, he would be fine soaring to the edges of the galaxy. No amount of years had changed that feeling.

So, Kanan knew he could handle a few secrets—in fact, it wasn’t much different from his days as a Jedi. Secrets were just something that Kanan had become accustomed to… and so long as Hera was at the lead, he knew that he and everyone else would be in good hands.

_But…Lothal… No, this feeling was something different. Something “clouded” as the old masters might say._

Kanan shook the thought away. His head still ached and his mind continued to think, always focused on this strange sensation.

_Was it a warning? A Message?_

He had forsaken the attempts to speak with the Force long ago, but it still managed to seap into his life every now and again.

Until now, he had thought he’d done a pretty good job of ignoring it—calling it when  _HE_  and  _he alone_  was in need of it.  _Like a parasite…_ He often thought with a strange satisfaction.

The Force had taken so much from him… his family, his master, his childhood. For once he was the one taking from it!  _Though, maybe it was getting tired of that?_

He tossed and turned, but realizing that his racing mind would be too against him getting any actual sleep. He yawned and rose from his bunk, stretching the exhaustion away as he walked the path out into the hallway. Kanan made his way into the cockpit, rubbing at his tired eyes as the doors whooshed shut behind him.

“Hera, how far are we from Lothal?” He said, still adjusting to consciousness and the brightness of the interior lights. “Why don’t you let me pilot the rest of the way so you can get som—”

He paused when that strange feeling changed from a creeping tickle against his neck to a  _full fledged_  kick straight to the stomach.

“Get some—” he tried again.

His voice came out slowly and startled, shaking as the cold chill replaced any tired bone left in his body. He could do nothing more than stare in horror…and for this he was one-hundred percent awake.

Sitting at the controls of the ship was not his partner. It was not the green skinned Twi’lek with the honey voice who he loved to both listen to and gaze upon… No… This woman was somebody entirely different, and matched him with a completely separate set of emotions.

“Some rest?” she said, her voice sounding glib. “I suppose I could let you pilot—if you’re up for it, Caleb?”

“What—what is this?” Kanan was almost speechless, terrified of what he saw. It felt like all the air had been sucked out of him, and he’d been in the unprotected jettison of space once before.  _Given this feeling, he would gladly take the void again instead of her._

The concern on his old master’s face was gut wrenching. She stood and pressed a hand to his cheek as her words came out. Her hand had felt just as he remembered it… smooth, but with glazed over calluses from a life dedicated to training.

“Are you feeling okay?” She sounded worried. “You look pale.”

The touch was felt all the way through his being.  _It was real._ Unsure of what to do, Kanan jumped and stepped away until his back hit against the wall.

“M-Master?” He stuttered slightly. “How? How can—How are you? I watched you die!”

“Caleb?” She said, her brows furrowing, voice shifting.

“Kanan?” She said again

He blinked, but when he looked back he no longer saw his master, just Hera and her concerned hand outstretched towards him.

“Kanan?” She repeated. “Are you sleepwalking?”

Chopper said something about him having a screw loose, but Hera shushed him down.

“Wake up  _luv…_ ” her soothing voice demanded calmly. “It isn’t real.” 

Kanan let in a huge breath of air through his nose and he rubbed the newly formed sweat off of his face.

He wasn’t asleep. At least…he didn’t feel like he was. No, he was certain of it. Something had just flashed, _a vision, a nightmare, a ghost?_ He thought it was probably best to keep it to himself for now.

“Y-yeah…” his voice still trembled. “I must have been—I—” He paused. “I didn’t say anything weird, did I?”

Hera’s hand met his face and he felt her warmth through the gloves against his cheek.  _It was a good feeling._

“You were shaking—You feel cold—are you alright?” She rubbed her hands across his face over and over until he removed them.

“I’m fine now.”

She took a step back and spoke to the ground… “You were talking about your master—how she—how you saw—”

Kanan silenced her by grabbing at her hands tighter. He didn’t want to think about it again.

“I’m fine,” he repeated, more sternly so that she might believe him this time.

His sudden movement had startled her a bit, so he rubbed at the back of her hand with his thumb and released her only so he could stretch dramatically into the air as though he were getting over his exhaustion.  

"Hera why don’t you try to get some rest? I’ll fly the rest of the way to Lothal.”

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea.” She stopped and shook her head. “You know what, no, I think the one who needs sleep is you. Now go. Don’t even think about coming out of that room until you feel better, do I make myself clear?”

She had her controlling voice on—a tone that Kanan liked  _against_  his better reasoning. He could not help but smile at her and nod in compliance as he apologized again and brushed past the door in order to stumble back into his room.

As soon as she was out of sight,  _however,_  that smile of his turned quickly back into a frown and in an instance his mind began to worry yet again.

“Chopper,” Hera ordered. “You go make sure he rests.”

The droid argued, but Hera had already gone back to her seat and started ignoring his rants. He had no other choice than to babysit the crazy one until his mind was recharged.

 _Lucky me…_ Chopper thought allowed. _What did I do to deserve this?_

* * *

_“Don’t even think about coming out of that room until you feel better, do I make myself clear?”_

Kanan replayed her words over and over again in his mind until he calmed down. Chopper was quietly hovering in the dark corner, his lights blipping in and out as he attempted to sleep himself.

 _He’d been silent for a few hours now…_  Kanan thought.

After five straight minutes of arguing, Kanan could live with Chopper doing that, rather than his constant asking questions or prodding at him to see if Kanan had gotten to sleep yet, or not.

He faked it until Chopper’s circuits went into hibernation, but Kanan himself still could not sleep.

##  _*WHOOSH!*_

The doors next to his and across the hall opened and he heard the steps of Zeb and Sabine shuffling by. Hera must have signaled them that they were near to Lothal. He rose from his bed and activated the lights.

As soon as his feet hit the floor and the lights came on, Chopper was springing to life, his binary still pressuring Kanan to go to sleep before the orange astromech was forced to use more fun and violent methods to get the human man to rest.

“Enough…” Kanan groaned tiredly. “I let you watch me sleep, so you’re mission is over. You won, alright?”

Chopper buzzed a few unkind words Kanan’s direction and strolled out of the cabin victoriously.

Kanan rolled his eyes, but decided not to protest as he wandered into the hall and towards the control deck.

“There she is!” Hera’s voice poured out into the hallway.

Kanan approached the huddle as the rest of the crew set their gazes on the small planet of Lothal. It was a typical planet, a lot of land, few oceans, and a swirl of clouds enveloping the planet. It was a bit secluded, the nearest planet a good jump away. Now, the dual Imperial Star Destroyers— _now that was something you didn’t get to see everyday._

Kanan recalled glimpses of the Republic Attack Cruisers that he and his Master had once used to travel across the galaxy during the Clone Wars. In fact, his mind had almost replaced the Star Destroyers with the Cruisers before he rubbed at his eyes and they returned to normal.

“How do you think we get past those?” Sabine wondered.

“The  _Ghost_ can scramble our signature, so we can dock on-world unseen,” Hera replied.

“Looks pretty dark?”

“It’s still late where we’re heading,” Hera said, “So that will leave us even less noticeable.”

“What about the night-guards?”

Hera got a look when she heard Kanan’s voice, but hid her disapproval with a reply.

“They think we’re overnight shipment. Don’t worry, we’re fine.” She stressed the next word, particularly to Kanan as she added,  _“Right?”_

“Yeah…” he answered, masking his secret response with another statement as well. “You got this covered. Guess I’m not needed here. I’m going to go get some breakfast going to help with the  _jet lag_.” 

“Yes please!” Sabine smiled eagerly.

He could hear her stomach growling from where he stood.

“I thought you hated my cooking?” Kanan teased.

“Doesn’t take a genius to make space-waffles  _mate,_ ” Zeb snickered.

“So I guess you’ll be making your own this morning?” 

Zeb’s ears flattened.

“Well—now—when I say that, I just mean—”

Sabine nudged him and Kanan laughed.

“That’s what I thought.”

Hera smiled as the three fled to the kitchen and she flew the  _Ghost_ closer towards their check-in point.

 _He seemed normal now?_ She considered.  _Perhaps she’d been worried over nothing. It’s not like he hasn’t had a nightmare before—although it has been quite a while._

She wouldn’t let it bother her. Kanan was fine, all there is to it.

“Alright!” Zeb clapped, “Bring on the grub!”

“I’ll take mine to go!” Sabine groaned. “I can’t stand watching you eat!”

“And what’s that supposed to mean!?” He growled.

She smirked.

“You get more food outside of your mouth than inside. Count my appetite lost if I have to sit here with you.”

She picked up a plate with a hum in her voice and filled it with food, a sharp grin showing on her face.

“Well go on! Who needs ya!?” The Lasat roared at her.

“Come on, come on,” Kanan eased. “It’s too early to start the day arguing…”

“Don’t you mean  _too late_?” Sabine said vexatiously.

He glared. “It’s too early to start correcting me too.”

“Aww, give the kid a break, he’s good at one thing at least!”

Kanan blinked. He clearly saw Zeb sitting at the table, filling his plate with waffles, but the voice that came out was not nearly as guttural and low as his.

“What did you call me?” He blurted.

Sabine and Zeb both frowned and looked over to him.

“What?” Zeb was taken aback, confused beyond words. “I just said to ‘give the chief a break’? What’d you think I said?”

 _Chief?_ Kanan had specifically heard the word “kid”… he heard it… he knew that.  _Zeb might have been older than him… but he wasn’t a kid._ Zeb probably realized that Kanan didn’t like to be called that, so he was covering up his tracks.

“It’s fine!” Kanan raised a hand and shut his eyes. “My mistake.”

“Whoa-oh! The kid’s getting all riled up!”

He turned with a jolt to where Sabine was once standing, though, the small eating area of the  _Ghost_ was replaced with a sparkling, grand mess hall, the echoing overlapping chatter of patrons and shuffling noises enwrapping him. Where Sabine once stood was now Kanan’s old friend, Commander Grey.

“What do you know!?” Kanan snapped back at him. “Don’t call me kid!”

He pointed a finger to make his point, but Kanan noticed that he was not wearing the same sleeve or glove that he remembered. His clothes were basic tan and brown, comfortable and boring just like he remembered.

Captain Styles, sitting at the table with his food, tried to ignore them, but sighed and pointed between the two. 

“Are you two going to sit down and eat, or do I have to give you something more important to do? How’s monitor duty sound to you?”

“Psh!” Kanan pouted, “He started it…”

“Started…what?”

Kanna blinked.

The mess hall was gone, the clone troopers were gone, the old clothes and silver trays of cafeteria food—all vanished.  _Vanished? It was all so clear just moments ago?_

Kanan’s finger was pointed at Sabine, and both she and Zeb were staring with startled eyes back at him.

“Kanan,” Zeb was the first to speak. “You doing okay? Hit your head or something on the last mission?”

“Wha—” he started, but his voice stopped. A swell of embarrassment, frustration, confusion, and secrecy overflowed him before he sputtered out his next few words sporadically. “I mean, yeah—yeah!” He exclaimed while retracting his finger. “I’m good! Now sit down and eat your waffles, both of you! I gotta go check on something.”

They each sat, but they did not eat. Both sets of eyes followed him as he walked casually back out into the hallways, fixated on him until he was out of sight.

“What was all that about?” Zeb asked.

She frowned back.

“I don’t know?”

* * *

 

Kanan shut himself off in his room. His head was spinning, and his mind struggled to remember what he knew was real and what was his imagination. He had never felt such a conflict within himself before.

It all felt real—it all seemed real. Was the  _Ghost_ the illusion or was the mess hall? Kanan looked around. The room resembled the  _Ghost,_ thought a quick glance back at his hands and he was wearing the Jedi robes again.

Part of him felt at home. He knew in his mind that he and his own troop of Clone soldiers had been given a mission to force out the Separatist movement on a planet called Lothal.

Then again… he remembered just going to the planet to steal from a few weapons dealers and delay a greater evil. But stealing? Blasters and explosives? Such a lowly job was not something a Jedi was assigned.

He was so confused. Maybe he should go see the medical droid on board? He might have hit his head or something on their last mission?  _Oh, if Master Billaba could see him now_ —she would scold him for sure.

She was dead. He knew that for sure. He saw her die at blaster fire while she told him to run away. Was it a droid?  _That was the logical answer but_ —it didn’t sound right. How could he not remember who shot his  _own_  master?

## *Knock-Knock*

The door slid open without invitation and Hera stood in the doorway, her arms crossed and a look that was debating whether to be concerned or angry was trading places on her face.

“Hera!” Kanan gulped. 

She was real, he knew she was real. She was their pilot, she had been flying since she was a kid, her father was the great Cham Syndulla, and Hera was the one who performed the Gorse mission with Kanan.

 _What was the mission there again?_ He remembered getting the moon blown up, and losing friends and soldiers in the battle—he remembered a pair of red, robotic eyes.  _General Grievous maybe?_ No… that wasn’t right either.

“Do you know where you are?” she asked, her hands on her hips.

“What kind of ridiculous question is that?” He chuckled.

 _Classic Hera._ She was always so serious. Come to think of it, Kanan remembered that he was causing some trouble for her the other day, so she was probably here to scold him and put him back in his place.  _She was a lot like Master Billaba in that way._

“Well, I want to hear you say it. Where are you right now? Who are  _you?”_ Her voice stressed each word like a nail being hammered into a wall. “Certainly you can’t be  _my Kanan_ because my Kanan Jarrus wouldn’t go around spouting nonsense and scarring our crew?”

“Oh!” Kanan smirked down at his shoes. “This is about what happened the other day,” he said. “Not to worry, I was about to go see the medic right now.”

Hera’s eyes widened for a moment before she glared and barged into the room, causing him to step back until his back was pressed against his bed frame and her finger was drilled into his chest.

“Answer me!”

Kanan was shocked, but rolled his eyes and replied, “Kanan Jarrus. I’m Kanan Jarrus on a VCX-100 modified light-freighter called the  _Ghost._  And you’re Hera Syndulla, the bossy Twi’lek who pilots it.”

Hera softened, but her glare remained the same.

“Still you’re right. It’s getting harder to remember what’s real…” He admitted. “I think I really must of knocked something loose up there.” He knocked against his own head and took Hera’s shoulders. “I’ll be fine. It’s just a bit of confusion, it should sort itself out soon.”

“I don’t think—”

“Come on!” he took her hand. “I want to get a good look at this planet before we tear it up!”

“Kanan I don’t think you should— _Whoa!_ ” 

She tried to protest, but before she could argue, she was being dragged across the ship, down the platform, and to the outside soil of Lothal.

“Wow… Look at that!” He stated. “Twin moons! Planets are always better with twin moons.”

Hera gave him a look. _Distracting nonsense was something the old Kanan might have resorted to, but not her Kanan._ He felt fine, he looked healthy, but he was anything but. She’d never seen him act this way. It was really starting to worry her. It worried Zeb and Sabine to the point they came and asked her to check on him.  _What could be going on inside his head?_ She wondered.

In Kanan’s mind, romance was forbidden, but it was an easy thing to forget when he got a chance to be alone with their Twi’lek pilot. She was beautiful and strong, but her voice was the first thing that he’d noticed about her. He would never forget that night they met.

“Reminds me of Gorse,” he said.

“Uh huh?” She replied, her voice tense and unsure.

“Oh come on, you don’t remember?”

She shook her head. “I remember just fine, it’s you I’m worried about. Come inside, you’re not well.”

 _She’s against you._ A tiny voice said.  _She will never believe you. The enemy—that one is the enemy. Think of all the secrets she hides from you!_

He ignored it.

Kanan looked back to Hera, but she was gone. And just moments ago, she too had seemed so real.

He knew that it didn’t make any sense, but he must have imagined being there with someone because he knew that he had been on this mission for days now.

He was alone in a desert-like area with a lot of rocky plateaus.  _Lothal wasn’t supposed to be mountainous? Was this Kardoa?_

His head hurt.

His body burned.

His heart ached.

The smell of roasting fire and debris caught his attention, and Kanan shot backwards with a jump of distance that not many could make without the Force.

Coburn Sear, his brother, and a B2 class battle droid waited opposite of Kanan’s position. He reached for a lightsaber that wasn’t there and he winced.

This happened quite often in his nightmares, but everything around him was all too real. The hot fire searing, crackling, and the smell of burning death—there was no mistaking it.

Clone Trooper Styles had just been killed.  _That was where Kanan’s heartache came from._ The burn had been from when his robes caught fire. His head—he wasn’t sure, but his head still throbbed.

The enemy before him was vicious, and stepping closer with his weapon drawn, both brothers and the droid coming nearer, stepping slowly, ominously, carefully…

_What Kanan wouldn’t give for his lightsaber._

He held a hand out and shot all three targets back with the Force. They collided with the rock wall and fell to the dust as Kanan tried to think up another strategy.

_Maybe he could salvage a blaster from one of the fallen troops?_

Before he could react, a shot fired from Sear’s brother, and  he didn’t even have a weapon to deflect it.

The shot struck him dead on—and everything went black.

* * *

_“Ugh…”_

He groaned back to the world of the living, half-expecting to see bacta water flowing all around him. There was nothing… In fact, he was lying on a few old crates in the loading dock of an old freighter…the  _Ghost?_

“What happened?” Kanan rose and rubbed his sore chest before looking into three concerned stares.

“We had to stun you,” a voice said, gruff and beast-like.

“Stun me!?” Kanan exclaimed. “Why would you do that!? But—the mission! Sear!”

“There is no mission!” another voice interrupted, this one female and fiery.

Then came a voice that could shake the ground, though it was soothing and kind in ways that he was all too familiar with…

“You’re going to be fine now, Kanan. It’s over.”

“Hera?”

“You think that stun knocked him out of it?” the gruff voice asked.

“If it didn’t then the Stim we gave him should.”

“Zeb? Sabine?” Kanan’s pain has started to fade just as his mind grew clearer. It had finally stopped spinning, and he blinked awake to see the clear view of the ship with the three faces of his crew surrounding him.

“Feeling better?” Hera smiled.

“What happened?” Kanan rubbed his head. “I can’t remember?”

“You were having war flashbacks,” Zeb informed. “Been talking nonsense all night.”

“Sabine thinks that you might have been exposed to Force Psychosis.”

He sprang up.

“What? That’s crazy? What kind of thing—there’s no such thing!” He lied rapidly.

“You tossed all of us against the Ghost with nothing but your hand!” Sabine snapped. “Don’t play dumb with us Kanan, we know you’re a Jedi!”

His mouth was dry. He couldn’t speak.

“Sabine and I figured as much for a while now,” Zeb started. “We’re not idiots,  _mate._  There were signs after the incident on Tatooine, then the Lok Marathon. I had my suspicions, but I thought it was a long shot.”

“And I wondered how you kept tracking me down…” Sabine listed the offenses on her fingers. “Your impeccable aim, knowledge that no one else could possibly have, and that sense of direction in the field as though you’ve lived there your entire life.” She spoke with air quotes. “Not to mention the  _‘great diplomacy’_  with those jerks on Lok…that was totally a mind trick, admit it!”

Without words, he looked to Hera for help, but she didn’t seem surprised that his secret was out.

Chopper strolled in around that time, tittering at the amusement of his greatest secret completely outed to everyone.

Hera ignored this, and turned to Sabine.

“Sabine, tell Kanan about what happened, stop interrogating him.”    

She huffed and blew a strand of her bangs out from her eyes, but told him all of her Academy-earned knowledge on the disease known as Force Psychosis.

“Apparently you can get it only in areas within The Maw. No one knows why, but reports were enough to be concerning. We were only there for a few minutes so your case was pretty mild, but I read that overexposure could cause Jedi from the past to go crazy. They’ve been known to die if they were acting crazy for too long…” She informed. “I thought since you suggested we go there, you would have known about the disease, or you didn’t have to worry about it because you were— _well…_ normal?”

“Normal as he can be?” Hera teased.

“I’m guessing you knew about him the whole time?” Zeb double-checked.

She nodded, “I’ve known for a while, and if Kanan wanted you to know, he would have told you.”

“Secrets aside,” Sabine started. “What were the Clone Wars like? Were you old enough to remember the Battle of Geonosis? Where’s your lightsaber, you must have one somewhere? You said something about the Sears brothers, did you get to fight with them before they died? How many missions did you go on? What was it like?”

She rattled off any and all questions she could think up. Somewhere a group of old masters were smiling in satisfaction that Caleb, the most curious padawan in the Jedi Order, was finally getting a taste of his own medicine.

“How did you get out of Order 66? How did you two meet? Where is your—”

“Sabine!” He wasn’t shouting, but he had to speak up to be heard over her endless interrogation. “Please—just—” He motioned with his hands as if to say  _‘be quiet’ or ‘slow down’_.

She did, albeit unwillingly and with a pout, but she did.

“Now, now… Don’t make him relive anything he doesn’t want to.” This time it was Zeb who spoke, his voice laced with sympathy and understanding that he normally did not reveal to the others.

“It wasn’t all bad…” Kanan admitted, his eyes meeting Hera’s. The two of them shared an almost smile seen only to one another through secret. “I’m sorry.”

They all looked at him, and he apologized again.

He sighed and let the truth flow out, eyes shut as he finally admitted it to them.

“It’s true. I  _WAS_ a Jedi, but now I’m not. I don’t try to rely on anything I was taught, and I make my own path using my own decisions and instincts. While it was a huge part of who I am,” he said, “this no longer defines who I am now.”

The three of them plus Chopper stared silently until he was finished speaking.

Sabine was first to interrupt the silence.

“Well, yeah?” She shrugged. “I used to be a bounty hunter…and before that I was an Academy student for the Empire. I was raised by the Mandalorians of Death Watch, but I’m not any of that anymore…I’m just me. One of a kind!”

Zeb nodded.

“What happened in the past is in the past. We’ve moved on…” he said.

“It doesn’t matter how we got to be where we are now,” Hera added. “We’re here and we’re going to make a difference. Lothal is our mission now, and we’ll face whatever comes our way as a team. Together.”

“Secrets and all.”

“Yeah…”

Chopper supposed that he could operate under those conditions and voiced an approval as well.

Kanan stood and he smiled.

“Alright,” he said. “Then let’s put this whole mess behind us. Right now, we have a meeting with Vizago, and that’s all that matters.”

“You’ve had a long night,” Hera interrupted. “Don’t you think we should postpone Vizago until later?”

“What for?” He smiled. “We’re rebels. If we don’t start somewhere, how will we ever save the whole galaxy. We have too much work to do to take it easy now. Right?”

There was a gleam in his eyes, a surge of energy that she hadn’t seen in him for a while now. He was happy. This made Hera relieved as well as the rest of the crew. She smiled and shook her head once before giving in to the nod.

_“Right.”_

Zeb and Sabine smiled and checked their weapons. Both were eager for the fights to come and ready to cause trouble for the Empire.

Chopper flexed his pincers, the odds of him getting to dismantle someone raising with every scenario he considered. The thought pleased him greatly.

Hera and Kanan shared a real smile now as they stared out at Lothal and at their three eager crewmates. Neither would have been able to imagine that the long series of events in their lives would have brought them together, then added to their family, and taken them all the way out to Lothal.

Now that they were here though, they knew that it was exactly where they needed to be, and they were going to make sure that the work they did here brought about a change in the Rebellion.

Soon Sabine and Zeb might learn about Fulcrum, and soon maybe they might even learn about the larger Rebellion. For now, they were just  _this_. Simply a small band of misfits with nowhere else to go. They fit perfectly together and with that, they could work their way up to anywhere as a team.

Kanan was right. They had  _too much_  work to do if they expected to save the whole galaxy. The past had ended and their future was a brand new beginning.

_What better time to get started then right here, right now?_


End file.
